


Retrogradation

by Ukthxbye



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Awkward Flirting, Awkward Romance, Companions, Drinking, Drunk Sex, F/F, Implied Sexual Content, Melody Pond - Freeform, Mels - Freeform, Memories, Oral Sex, Pre-River Song regeneration, Running, Secrets, Sentient TARDIS, Sexual Content, Soft Thirteenth Doctor, TARDIS Wardrobe Room, Team TARDIS, Thirteenth Doctor Era, grumpy Thirteenth Doctor, its heavy M ok?, one-sided Yaz/Thirteenth Doctor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:07:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22286875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ukthxbye/pseuds/Ukthxbye
Summary: The Doctor's past visits Sheffield. Mels, River before she was River, is in town and the Doctor must find out why. But she misses her wife and the desperation of that want clouds her judgement as she skates a dangerous line with her own history.
Relationships: The Doctor/Melody Pond, Thirteenth Doctor/Mels(Melody Pond), Thirteenth Doctor/River Song
Comments: 30
Kudos: 158





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> rated M for future chapters. I'll tag as I go along. 
> 
> Retrogradation  
> noun ASTRONOMY•ASTROLOGY  
> -the apparent temporary reverse motion of a planet (from east to west), resulting from the relative orbital progress of the earth and the planet.  
> -the orbiting or rotation of a planet or planetary satellite in a reverse direction from that normal in the solar system.

"Hey Doc, lunch?"

"You really do only think of eating, Graham!" The Doctor rolled her eyes, running her sonic over an area of split trees.

He paused arms folded at his chest waiting for her to speak but she continued to scan and stare at her sonic and re-scan and mumbled “no… no way.” 

"I say it was just kids... or maybe some sort of art installation? What you getting worked up about some gnarled wood for?"

He shrugged, smacking his hand against one of the twisted limbs and frowning when dust billowed up.  
  


"I wouldn't if I hadn't seen this before…" Her voice low as Graham stepped beside her, then whispered to herself checking her sonic once, "No, can't be."

She stepped back, and he mirrored her. “It’s time dilated. A tree in the middle of Sheffield just out of its time but only half.” She glanced up at the modern glass filled building to their right. They'd land the TARDIS near her once she remembered.

“Sure you didn’t land the Tardis on it sometime? Feel like we were here once. Your driving is highly irregular.”

"No! It would be a 'crushed no more tree sawdust like' tree if... I..." She let her words trail off as she took two steps away from Graham eyeing him.

His brow furrowed, "Weird that happened to my... HEY did you land in my roses the other—

“Shh Doctor thinking no shouty” she grinned back as she moved around the tree.

"You owe me lunch then," he said pointing at her while backing up. "Let me get the bus back to Gary for his shift." 

She shrugged and squatted to get a reading on the roots. She kept taking readings knowing the answer. A time traveler landed here. Vortex manipulated or something similar. That meant trouble, she thought.

Graham shouting" Hey stop!" brought her to flat footed run as she saw his bus go speeding off with him running behind it.

A tingle in her spine hit like cracked lightning and she gave chase with Graham right behind. "They headed uphill we might catch 'em! Alley to the left!" he yelled, already lagging behind her.

She turned gave a nod and ran faster cutting down the alley, seeing the bus struggle with a turn but make the next one with a roaring engine. The Doctor kept chase. Her efforts rewarded as the bus hit a road closure paired with a too tight street.

"Bless roads maintenance!" she laughed out. 

The bus stopped with a lurch as the Doctor sonic'd the back door and rushed to the front. 

"Hey!" The Doctor snapped.

The woman in the driver's seat shot a look at the Doctor and jump up to leave but she met a winded Graham at the side door. 

"Shit…" the woman gritted through her teeth as she settled back in the driver's seat. 

The Doctor thought the same word, uncertain if it came from her own mouth or the woman's. Her knees buckled, white knuckled grabbing the seat near to her. She sat hard, her breath snatched from her lungs and only returning in heaves. 

"That’s right miss! What you doing stealing my bus? Bloody hell, I'm calling the police," Graham yelled at the woman, pulling his mobile out.

She huffed. "Oh right just call 'em and not even see why I might need to get away. Everyone's always ready to jump—"

"Really?!" Graham shook his head as he brought his mobile up to dial. 

The Doctor's voice cut through the air, ragged but resolute.

"Let her go. Bus is fine."

Graham cocked his head, and the Doctor shot him a look before he could answer back. Something dark and desperate escaping in her voice and she hoped he caught the hint. 

He swallowed, brow furrowed as he glanced between the two women."But—

"Just... you drive on. Me and…" She gestured to the woman to give her name, a name the Doctor knew very well. 

The woman raised an eyebrow, flipping her braids over her shoulder. "I ain't tellin you—"

"Who's saving you here, hmm?" 

The two women stared at each other in silence. The Doctor's eyes followed down her full form as the women stood. Leather shorts with fishnets and short boots. A leather jacket to match with a white shirt. _She always knew how to dress_ , the Doctor mused. 

"Mels" the woman huffed out, putting a hand on her hip, "Just Mels for now if that's ok?" 

The Doctor prayed her eyes didn't give her away when she heard the name. She swallowed looking back at Graham. "All right... yes. Me and Mels we'll have a chat so see ya later okay?"

"But... Doc."

"Graham... please." She knew her nerves threatened to bubble to the surface again. She needed them to hold off until he left. 

They both stared at the other but his jaw softened first. 

"Fine, but you owe me one," he pointed to the Doctor and back to Mels with a sneer. "YOU are bloody lucky."

Mels grinned, adjusting her jacket with a puffed chest. "Old man you don't know the half of it." She shoved past him and with two hops landed at the pavement. 

Leaning her head back in the door, she smiled at the Doctor, " Come on then, I only got so much time for a chat even with someone cute as you."

The Doctor's cheeks flushed as she closed her eyes and Graham sat slow down in the driver's seat with a raised eyebrow.

She put up her hand looking at the floor as she went to the door. "Don't... I'll... I'll see you later. Keep an eye out for anything weird, okay?"  
  


"Days already full up on it. Not sure I do anything else anymore," Graham sighed. "Best of luck with her."

The Doctor stepped one foot off the bus, hesitating with a hand on the door. 

"Hey Doc…"

Her gaze steady on Melody Pond. Standing up the hill near a doorway out of plain sight, waiting. The hearts beating in her chest skipped. Nothing made sense yet. Not sure it could.

"Doc... hey!"

"Sorry yeah… as I said."

"Honestly if being called cute paralyzes you that much we should all go out more," he snickered. "Have fun... she seems like your type to be honest."

With the last step she jumped out, turned and saluted with exaggeration. Graham shook his head, closing the door and worked his way back out of the spot.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor should have let her run. But curiosity is a dangerous thing.

Soon as her boots turned on the pavement, she glimpsed Mels ducking around a corner across the street. 

"Hey Riv-Mels!"

The Doctor jumped to a run, nearly crashing into Mels hiding around another corner as she rounded it. 

"Sor—"

"SHH! Keep it down. I think they're still looking for me," Mels gritted her teeth listening with closed eyes. "See if you can keep up! I was on the run for a reason!

And she was gone from sight.

"Bloody hell," The doctor yelled in a whisper. She couldn't lose her, she thought, for safety reasons. Why was she here? Here, now and why? Hardly out of her timeline by a few years. 

The Doctor paused letting instinct kick in about her wife's, or rather, the woman who would be her wife, next move. But this was Mels. Same person but unalike. She guessed the right alley, and shop, stepping in and out a side door with a grin at a confused clerk. 

Her eyes landed on Mels soon as she was outside.

"Mels.." she started as she caught up with a jog.

Mels threw her head back in with a huff and looked around the building over her shoulder as she pressed her back into the brick. "I got people chasing me—"

"Happens sometimes... So what brings you to Sheffield then?" The Doctor said standing close to her. 

Mels stopped and stared at the Doctor. At first, an incredulous glare but it softened to something else. Much too long, eye scanning down and The Doctor shrunk under her scrutiny folding her arms across her chest before dropping them and attempting to lean against the wall with one.

She met Mels stare when her eyes returned up silent with a raised eyebrow

"You're awful chatty," The Doctor said with a grin, holding her hands up, "Slow down and don't tell me all at once."

"You in the circus or something?"

The Doctor frowned. "Hmm?"

"You're dressed like a right clown."

"Ha! That's funny... bit rude. Yeah um--"

Mels put a finger to the Doctor's mouth and glanced down at a device in her hand.

In a flash, Mels fingers gripped around her jacket lapel. The Doctor braced, expecting a slam against the wall but the opposite happened. Mels yanked the Doctor to her, slipping her hands inside the coat as she wrapped her arms around her waist, pulling the Doctor against her. 

The Doctor braced her hands against the wall, her brain on fire from the nearness and calculating the next step. Mels leaned her face up to the other side of the Doctor's hidden from the street, her lips near her ear. Her breath hot against the Doctor's neck overwhelming. 

She closed her eyes soaking in Mel's hushed words. "They're coming right by stay like this and don't look. Be still... please."

_I knew I used to be taller_ the doctor thought to keep all other thoughts away. 

She daren't move but focused on the tremor from Mels she sensed through every bit of their bodies touching as she gulped. But as soon as it all happened, Mel's hand sat on her collarbone shoving her halfway across the alley. The Doctor hadn't heard or seen the men go by and she stared in shock at that realization.

Mels looked at her device and sighed, sliding down to sit on the ground. "They're gone."

"Cool so… tracking device?"

"What you know about—"

"Nothing… just a guess… anyway, Glad to help."

Mels stood to her feet, a weariness heavy in her voice and low shoulders. "Yeah thanks for all that… before and just now." 

Every bit of Mels history intimate to the Doctor. Except for why she was here at this time and place. Or who she was running from. Or why she was thanking her instead of running off. _So maybe I don’t know anything,_ she thought. But it stung spying Melody's strength exposing cracks. A much older River showed it freely to her when she was a him but this pain tied much closer to Melody's original trauma. It's wibbly wobbly, a simple wording she'd clung to before. Too bad that didn’t do a thing to change how she felt now; it's only science slapped on top of the indefinable.

The Doctor looked away to hide her own concern and hurt, her breathing betraying her if Mels focused as she stepped closer. 

Leather, a strong perfume and that unmistakable scent of time remained on the Doctor and her nose drank it in as she dropped her chin to her chest. She lifted her head as it got stronger, wafting off Mels as she stepped around the Doctor. River's scent that never changed somehow. 

Mels licked her lips. "Question."

"Sure."

"Why d'you follow me?"

"You stole my friend's bus, I gotta know why."

Mels' lips curled up slow. "Curiosity is dangerous."

The doctor grinned. "Sure is but I'm…" she paused that thought. " Anyway. So why are they chasing you? You steal too many busses? Something else?"

Mels eyes rolled. If the Doctor's hands lifted, they'd grab her shoulders and shake. Plead her to try something else break the programing early, scream her future to her if she could. But these hands, smaller than ever before hung useless at her side as Mels circled around her, accessing. 

"Hmm, so many questions," she purred as she stepped away, walking back down the alley. " I already thanked you for the help with that—"

"Hey, I'm already in deep with this. If they suss out where you are, they saw me with you," The Doctor stepped quick to catch up as she talked, seeking Mel's eyes for understanding. "I'm in trouble too… maybe?"

Mels frowned and swore as she looked away. " Maybe?"

"I'm not a cop or... anything. I just want to know."

Mels sighed, her teeth pulling her bottom lip in, stuffing her hand in her jacket pockets. "Obvious you're no cop… or anything like that. It just weird how you kept up… but life is weird sometimes."

The Doctor nodded, mirroring putting her hands in her pockets.

Mels shrugged. "I got this guy I'm looking for. That's all." She swallowed hard, and the doctor matched it. "Yeah... I got people who want to talk to him, eh? So I should work on that. Was working on that when security found me." 

_Talk._ She knew it meant dead but Mels said it like they needed him for a chat. 

The Doctor shrugged, "Sounds boring."

Mels laughed out throwing her head back shaking it. The Doctor's lips upturned with caution. 

But Melody only grinned and bit her lip at the corner "To be honest, it kinda is. Trail was cold anyway. But then I met you, and you kept up pretty good. Too many questions but that coat was awful useful. That livened it up a bit. As I said before, you're cute…"

The Doctor's cheeked warmed and she gave a scrunched up grin to push the heat away. 

"Fancy gettin' a drink?"

"A drink?"

Mels giggled shaking her head as she looked around a corner. "Yeah, you know. Pub, alcohol, chattin'. Come on… what is your name, anyway? "

"River." _Why did you say that name?_ She'd practiced Jane the other day. 

Mels waited nodding, "River…"

"Smith." _Got that right at least._

"Ok Smith. It's just a drink. Besides… you said finding a man is boring. I'm in a mood to agree today."

The Doctor folded her arms, confusion in her voice" I'm not sure where we could go. I got kicked out of two pubs last month so it’s…”

Mels shook her head, "God, you're work. 

The Doctor straightened her spine, "I'm not that much work"

Mels sighed, halted and turned in their stroll blocking her path. The Doctor put her hand up in time to stop but so close her hand brushed against Mels chest. The Doctor jumped back but Mels glanced down with a smirk. "We'll see if the _thank you_ includes that after some vodka."

"OH God. Sorry no I didn't—"

Mels chuckled as she stepped close enough the breath cooled at the Doctors throat. Mels lifted a finger to the Doctor's lips again silencing her. "I know. God, you're stiff! Relax. Hey… go get changed and I'll meet you at a pub, eh? I saw one called the Fat Cat, let's try it."

The Doctor looked down at the finger still on her lips and mumbled against it, "Wait… change? What's wrong with what I'm wearing?"

Mels dropped her hand with a sigh, "Check a mirror, love, that will answer your question. Right clown… but I got a thing for blondes. See you in an hour?"

A gulp and nod all the Doctor managed. Mels walked backwards a few steps, eyes scanning the Doctor one last time before turning on her heels and walked away. 

When Mels cleared out of sight, the Doctor let the moment wash over her. She stumbled as she tried to walk and instead sat against a building calculating every risk until they twisted into knots squeezing her chest to a dull ache. She could, no, she needed to run to the TARDIS and fly somewhere. And never visit this day again. The change it could cause even if Mels doesn't suss out who she is… infinite ripples across their convoluted timeline. If she found out? Even more devastating. The danger imminent and… seductive. It wasn't fair, she mused. None of it. 

But she would go for a drink. Perhaps this body liked drinks? She might like them all too well. Mels. Melody Pond. Her wife and yet not. It's never only drinks, and not to indulge it. But curiosity is dangerous and the Doctor never could resist. Her feet carried her to the TARDIS in an odd random pattern in case it was a trap and when she opened the door, she sensed the TARDIS sniffing out the mistake she'd made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to Mouse9 for notes
> 
> for some reason Wrecking Ball is the song I listened to


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor prepares for her "date" with Melody and the Fam has questions.

The hum low vibrated through her as the TARDIS nosed her out like your dog when you get home, sussing out crumbs of the paradoxical kind.

A groan and she matched it. 

"I…" she sighed and placed her forehead on the console. "I know, Old Girl... it's not smart. None of it… but it's her. Young her, her who hates me... who wants me dead, but she doesn't know it's me won't know it's me. I got this, it's just… drinks?"

A low noise.

"Right?"

The Doctor stood, straightening her spine, "What if there is a plan or trap or... it's nothing to do with missing her... not one bit."

The silence made her shoulders drop and then the hum returned. 

She sneered, "Shut up… and help me find a dress or something."

-:-

She searched, tossing things around the cavernous wardrobe room. A silk slip dress passed under her fingertips and sent a shiver down her spine. _No, much too close to River,_ she thought. 

More conservative dresses appeared. The Doctor held them up to herself, putting the most promising ones on, and side glancing in a large golden ornate full-length mirror on the wall. Each pull and tug is more frantic and frustrating. Somehow she still couldn't get used to it. The shape unknown every time she looked. But she couldn't go in a typical outfit. Mistaken for a clown after all. Or… could she?

_All the previous suits are too large, remember?_ But surely she'd find something here, Yaz had done so several times. _River always_ did love _a new suit though_ , she mused. But grief washed over her, pressing her shoulders down and bending her knees to a seat on a nearby box. 

"I'm a fool… and much too old for this," she whispered to the still air around her. Loneliness dangerous for the Doctor. River told them as much and she'd kept the promise for the most part. She didn't travel alone, but did her "fam" really understand her? No, and she'd made sure of it. Keep running and questions remain relevant to the danger at hand. 

Yaz could help, she thought. She always did. But she asked more questions in the quiet moments and every one of them too dangerous. 

But the Doctor squared her shoulders and worked her way through a rack nearby. Her fingers found a velvet suit, green but dark and sophisticated. She put on the jacket. Tailored oddly enough and reminded her of her last body and how she dressed it. She breathed easy for the first time in hours. Rummaging around, she found a cream silk cami to pair with it. She'd seen it in a magazine, maybe? It looked grown up, and she hated it and loved it at the same time as she gave a quick peek in the mirror after she finished fully dressing. Too grown up, she mused and her years weighed like a millstone on her shoulders. But not a moment to waste. _Heels? No._ Boots still worked, and she slipped them back on, reminding herself of the benefits of having had many female companions to emulate in this regeneration. But that ached under her ribs, and she shoved the memories away as she headed back to the console. 

The monitor's reflection aided as she smoothed her blonde hair back. The motion akin to putting on an old coat. They'd done it many times before. Last checks. 

The TARDIS produced a mirror for her here, and she gulped as she spied herself once more. She'd avoided extended stares at her form in any reflection until now, preferring the uniform she'd set for herself in the shop that day. It was… them. An odd mask of the ridiculous like clown paint with an exaggerated smile. But here's a mask in this as well, she reminded herself. It's not her and it's a disguise. She stared, trying on mental states and facial expressions and failing to look anything but giddy and surly. 

She froze in place at the creak of the door. The TARDIS took the mirror away. Graham, Yaz and Ryan wandering up laughing about a joke that landed outside, but it caught in their throats when they saw her.

Graham whistled as they all got closer to her.

"New clothes, eh?" Ryan snickered but swallowed it with a gulp.

"No… yes… why are you all here?" She'd said it too fast, and they all leaned back.

"Told about what happened earlier and we were checking in to see if we needed to… help... Wait… I thought you were talking to bus stealer--"

"Mels… Melody is her name."'

"Oh, yeah… anything... happen?" Graham asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I'm meeting up with her." The Doctor answered, her glance turning back to the console. 

Ryan's face scrunched up and Yaz's matched. He asked, "Wait… you got a date?"

The Doctor's eyes wide looking back at them. "What?"

"A date? You… but—" Yaz started. 

"Hey!" The Doctor cut her off. "Enough okay? It's not like that… it's necessary, ok? Something weird's happening but it's not being obvious."

"You sure, Doc?" Graham stared at her. 

_Too many questions and always pressing in,_ she mused 

She sighed and swallowed to keep composure. "I'm very sure. Working on that mystery from earlier, eh? The tree, remember? And I don't need you all jumping in now." _There's the bite,_ she thought. She knew it'd slip in if she wasn't careful. 

"Ok no reason to get huffy… we can take a hint," Ryan shrugged.

Yaz walked around her and the Doctor stood confused. 

"Looks great. Totally the part."

The Doctor's shoulders rose as she smoothed the fabric under her palms, "Really?"

"Yeah, totally normal and all," Yaz bit her lip and looked at the others, "Right?"

The two men nodded, mumbling " Absolutely" 

Graham folded his arms with a smile. "Proper date—"

"Graham…" The Doctor sighed, leaning on the console. 

"Ok... proper normal human looking nice for meeting someone totally not a date," he replied with hands help up. 

She wanted to tell them. To spill it all. But she'd never gained much letting others in. The correct amount of distance obtained, and they needed to stay there.

"Well, I guess we aren't traveling anywhere so I'm gonna go home," Graham said.  
  


The Doctor shrugged "I mean we could just pop off somewhere…"

"Nope. Doc, you're going on this da—meet up." Graham cleared his throat.   
  


"Yeah and you let us know if you need us." Yaz grinned, and she tapped Ryan's arm as she backed up toward the door and said to him," Hey you want to see a movie or something? Can call my sister."

Rayn grinned back, "Yeah I'll text a couple mates. Nice and normal night, eh?"

The Doctor smiled crooked and slight at them all as they stepped away from the console.  
  


"We'll see ya later, Doc" Graham said back at the Doctor as he paused near the exit. 

"If the TARDIS is rocking…" Ryan mumbled. 

"Ryan!" Yaz stared at him wide-eyed. Graham shook his head. The Doctor's every muscle tense, but she kept her face neutral.

Ryan giggled as Yaz smacked his arm. "I'm just saying… Good luck!" Yaz shoved him to and out the door. 

Graham paused, his hand resting the door's side. The TARDIS's gentle hum the only noise as she listened. "Call us if you need us… really." 

"I got this." The Doctor smiled with too many teeth. Her words escaped in a hiss.

His eyes said it. Concern colored every thread, and she looked away, pretending to stare at the monitor. She closed her eyes tight when the door closed. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry there isn't a consistent update schedule right now but promise i won't drag this out too long. I have the story mapped out until the end.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor, dressed in a new suit, meets Mels for a date, conflicted but pushing forward in a dangerous game.

The Doctor approached The Fat Cat, noting the Friday night crowd. She held her breath as she shifted through the cigarette smoke and cartridge vapour at the building corner away from the door. A heady mix of tobacco and cotton candy wafting around her as she slid past a couple. It reminded her of a funfair and she hoped for a moment the pub sold popcorn. Mels hadn't mentioned dinner. Not that kind of date, the Doctor mused, but it didn't comfort her if she contemplated it more. 

The Doctor pushed the wooden door and let it close on its own as she searched the room. In the back corner with a beer warming in one hand, mobile in the other as she sat leaning the chair back against the wall and her feet crossed on the tabletop. Same Melody, the Doctor thought as she gulped, studying her from a distance. Same leather jacket but a cute dress, low cut and flowery. Yellow. And the skirt falling open enough for a view. But Melody didn't care if she or anyone else saw. The Doctor drew a hard breath and her lungs threatened a cough. She shouldn't be here. Her mind calculating every exit and knowing the best one was right behind her before Melody saw her. A precipice and the calculations of the result of a jump off it indefinite. Panic won, and she turned on her heels, face first into a rather tall man's chest. The Doctor yelped, drawing attention around them as she jumped back. 

The man grinned, "Where ya going so fast doll?"

"Doll?" She brushed the front of her jacket and tugged it down as she puffed her chest. She remembered too late that doing so as a woman resulted in the opposite effect. " Um, yeah going to meet my date that's what." Her indignant stare ineffective against his piqued interest.

He smirked, sizing her up as his eyes tracked down. "Shame, thought it looked like you were headed away from the door from him, love. Maybe instead--"

"It's not a  _ him _ ," she stopped him as she folded her arms across her chest.. " It's a  _ her _ . A woman… yeah?"

He looked up from the Doctor's stare. "Yellow dress? A bit young for ya?"

The Doctor frowned until she heard the voice behind her. 

"Hey Smith, right on time. You chattin' someone else up now?"

The Doctor closed her eyes.  _ Too late now.  _

She turned on her heels back, a " Hey" with a small smile all she managed.

"OK love," the man chuckled and nodded at Mels. "Good luck with that."

Mels grinned, taking a hold of the Doctor's hand, tugging her along back to the table.

She stared down at the hand. Warm, soft and breathtaking. When was the last time she held that hand… any hand? 

She let Mels guide her into the chair at the same table she saw her before and Mels dropped her hand as easily as she grabbed it. The Doctor sat, stiff, putting her hands in her lap, not knowing what else to do. Mels stayed standing, taking her beer and drained the glass in two gulps. 

"Love the suit. I'll get the first round." Mels grinned, leaning over the table.

The Doctor kept her eyes up. "But you already had a round."

"Or two…" Mels shrugged. " Just beer though… so what's your poison?"

The Doctor coughed out a giggle. "Um… rather not have poison—"

"Drink darling… what you like to drink?" Mels sighed.

Her head swam looking into Mels' eyes. Drunk enough already in a way, she mused. She looked around her to the bar. 

"Not quite sure? Haven't had anything like that in a while."

"Wine?"

She scanned her memories.  _ Never liked it, remember? _

"No, gives me headaches… I think."

"Whisky? Rum? Vodka?" Mels' bottom lip curled up under her teeth. "Tequila makes some people take their clothes off."

The Doctor gulped, stammering, "Maybe? I… well— "

" I got it, love. I'll be back."

The Doctor let out a ragged breath as Mels stepped away. Every nerve firing in her presence and the charade is impossible, she thought. The danger intoxicating the blood pumping through her hearts threatening to pound out her chest. She couldn't deny that truth as she rubbed her own hand, recalling the touch she'd missed. Were there any words to say to make this safe? Bloody hell, she wasn't smooth now. She used to be.  _ Or something near it anyway. Oh, but that was River.  _ She didn't know Mels. 

"Pence for your thoughts, Smith?" Mels sat in her chair, sliding a tall cocktail to the Doctor.

"Thanks," The Doctor said, taking a sip to keep any more awkward speech away. Her eyebrows rose with her lips at the sweet flavour swirling on her tongue. Fruits overpower any of the vodka. "Wow, this is tasty. What's it called?"

Mels smirked as she sipped her whisky. "Some people would take it as too forward, but I took a risk."

"How so?" The Doctor said before taking another sip. 

"It's a Sex on the Beach—"

The Doctor almost spit out the drink but choked it down with a rough cough as it burned her throat. 

Mels smirked, the corner of her bottom lip scraping under her teeth. "The best this bar could do cocktail wise that I'd trust. It's rather sweet and popular with teenagers."

" Well…. Not shocked in the least." _ Lies. "  _ You're a risk taker but it paid off. Who knew I could like alcohol after all…" The Doctor smiled as she set the drink, the alcohol rushing to her head with the sugar now in a heady mix. 

Mels sighed, looking away as she brought her glass to her lips. "We all need a little poison from time to time."

"Hmm… oh yes. Yeah. It is poison but mild, the body's system flushes it right out." The Doctor mumbled, taking another sip. The words rang in her head. Was tonight her little bit of poison? How much could she take in? And was there ever an antidote for her wife's influence? But this wasn't her wife… yet. 

Awkward silence settled as Mels did a quick check of her mobile and then stuffed it in her pocket, taking another sip of her drink. The Doctor fumbled to get the tiny straw to her mouth but once found she sipped, scanning the room. 

"So what's your deal, eh? Like, you're older… "

The Doctor's brow furrowed, sipping her drink, emptying her glass with the rattle of the straw. 

Mels adjusted her seat, "I mean not old but…"

"Yeah, I'm older," The Doctor stared at her empty glass and wanted another for the first time. 

Mels leaned on the table, cocking her head to seek the Doctor's eyes. "Didn't suss it out till later, eh?"

Another frown. "What?"

"Um… Liking women?" 

"What?" The Doctor snickered. " I've always liked women… I think?"

" How old are you then? You know, age isn't a deal breaker but…"

Graham told her a number to say for such situations but damned if she could remember it. 

"Thousands at this point I'd say" Her lips found the straw again to take a sip of her drink and grimaced, remembering its empty state.

Mels chuckled, and The Doctor joined her to keep up the act..

"Fine, okay. Joke then. I'm gonna guess late 30s. Nod if it's true," Mels said, her thumb rubbing her glass as the Doctor watched it. 

The Doctor would have nodded no matter what age she said.

"You're… young?" The Doctor risked the question, glancing back up into Mels' eyes. 

She met the stare. "Sure."

Lies might have been their most shared trait, the Doctor reflected.

"Yeah, it's a… thing is," Mels leaned forward her elbows, eyes looking up the Doctor up and down.. " I like older women anyway so… yeah, older men too." She shrugged one shoulder and smirked.. "Maybe I have issues."

The Doctor shrugged back, "We all like what we like…" and then pulled a big grin, " Next round on me" and jumped up to jog to the bar to breathe again free of the tension.

The Doctor slid down the bar in front of the female bartender. "Hey, hi. I need a whisky for my date, whatever she had before and I'll have Sex on the Beach." The Doctor grimaced a smile after she said it, knowing well what it sounded like. 

The bartender pulled a grin as she nodded and worked on the drinks. After a pause she leaned over the bar and the Doctor leaned in as well. "Too bad we ain't got any beaches here, you might by the way she's looking at you across the room."

The Doctor glanced back at Mels with a thumbs up and grin. As she turned back, she leaned over the bar toward the bartender with confusion.

"So those sort of faces are good?"   
  


Bartender looked around her on the sly, " Yeah she's checking out your arse. I think you've pulled. But you'll know after the second drink."

"Ahh true," the Doctor nodded as if she understood. "So if she still wants to talk to me even when I say something, lets say, rather idiotic—"

"Then she might be in love," the bartender snickered as she finished the drinks, setting them on the bar. 

"Naw, just met today… first date and all," The Doctor crinkled her nose as she slid a random amount of bills from her pocket across the bar and took the drinks. "Thanks!"

The bartenders wide eyes made her pause, "Love, that's way too much—

But the Doctor was already backing up, grinning, "Keep the change!"

Mels took her drink from the Doctor, 

"So what work do you do?" The Doctor asked as she sat back down 

  
"Oh Smith why you going boring on me?"

"It's just conversation, right?"

"What work do you do then?"

"I asked first, but… sure," the Doctor pulled at her lapels and folded her arms across her chest as a reflex as she thought. She needed to explain earlier, but in a vague sort of way? Ah, _ there it is. _ "Private detective"

"Really?"

"Yes?"

"Oh… didn't know I was trying to pull a Sherlock Holmes" She teased leaning forward on her arms as the Doctor glanced down in time. The effect more than the Doctor expected.

"Ahh ha. No… maybe?" The Doctor fumbled out with a squint, her finger searching blindly for her drink straw. 

Mels licked her lips as she sat back and picked her drink up.

But the Doctor required her lie, the story Mels summoned forth at this time in her life. _ It's interesting, I'm sure _ , The Doctor mused. She sipped her drink and nodded. "Soooo…"

Mels sighed, her eyes staring down, and the Doctor studied her face.  _ Not as good at hiding emotion. Training not yet done?,  _ she wondered. 

"I'm a finder… of sorts" Mels said with a smile, her eyes fixed back on the Doctor's 

"Finder of what?

"Hmm… yes. Mostly people." Mels said, tapping a finger against her glass. 

"What did this man do?" The Doctor tested the water. How deep would she go?

Mels sniffed as her eyes shifted. "A lot but more like… what he didn't do."

The Doctor pulled a false confused face for effect. "I don't follow"

"Things he could have fixed, or prevented and he just let them happen."

"Seems like crime is for something someone did."

"Let's say… his crimes aren't typical," she sighed, but the Doctor caught the fire behind it. 

"Smith, let's talk about hobbies instead, if you have any… work is boring, anyway. What do you do for fun?"

_ I really should have rehearsed this with someone _ , the Doctor mused. 

A bit of truth and a bit of lie the best answers, The Doctor thought. "Travel… I like to travel, not just for work."

Mels nodded, her shoulders relaxing. "Yeah… Same. All the standard stuff. Paris? Spain?"

"All the standard places… "

The quiet as they both sipped their drinks agonising to the Doctor. Sitting still over five minutes is difficult enough. But this tension? Every nerve being filed at its edge. 

"Reading?" Mels asked her glance turning to the Doctor;

"No… don't have the time, "The Doctor shrugged, her lip curling up. All the time in the universe hers if she wanted . 

"Time is dumb really."

Mels said it with ease, but the Doctor sensed the undertone of a deeper, more complicated thinking. When Mels drained the rest of her glass, she pursued the path it opened. 

"How so? Not that I don't agree really," The Doctor leaned toward her on the table and Mels mirrored the movement. 

"This pub, yeah we are here now and it's all concrete and real but in but a breath it'll be dust, right? Poof" Mels made an explosion movement with her fingers. "Maybe another building or nothing at all…" The Doctor's eyes strayed to Mels' lips, concentrating on every word and how beautiful River was when she talked about her passions. But this wasn't River. Mesmerising nonetheless, though. 

"I'm losing you."

The Doctor shook her head, "No… no. I get that."

Mels bit her lip, not as a seduction but in thought. The Doctor could tell the difference now. 

"I mean that's how I see it. If I concentrate I see it before it was built and being built and being demolished and all of us gone…" Mels gaze faraway, but it returned to earth and to the Doctor's eyes. Holding them in a deep stare. " But here's the cooler thing."

"Hmm?" The Doctor gulped, the intensity of the closeness setting her brain on fire as she daredn't look away from Mels. 

"Everything that happens in between. Every dent in the wood, every chipped glass a story. I love the stories."

"Stories?"   
  


" Stories are everything, Smith." Almost a whisper, and yet the Doctor still heard the wistful tone. The Doctor realised too late how close they'd shifted to each other and she sat up stiff-spined. 

_ Too close, _ The Doctor chided herself. 

"So stories like a writer?"   
  


"No… more like, the story that things around us tell. The buildings and such… yeah."

The Doctor let the stupid thought spill into words. It would push her away? It would break the intimacy at least she hoped. "That sounds like archaeology? Kind of rubbish really, I mean what about the future? Looking forward not backward?"

"What?" Mels frown deep and her voice cracked. "Maybe? Is that what that is? Yeah… I think we can learn from our past—"

Doctor huffed. Wrong, rude and a mistake and she hated herself for it, but the hate matched the loathing for being here at all. The two contrast turning bitter in her mind. 

Mels pushed up from the table with a similar huff. "Look I want to shag you but not if you’re gonna be like that."

The Doctor shouldn't gaze at her. Make her walk away. But the desperate thought of that happening overwhelming. 

"I'm sorry… but you want to--" Now she's set back on her heels scrambling. 

"You insulting what I said… it ain’t rubbish to me." Mels leaned back in her chair, sliding it a bit away. 

The Doctor swallowed, slack jawed, “No, I really meant—

"What did you mean? That I can't be something good God you're more work—" Mels rolled her eyes. 

"No I—"

"Why chase me and then decide to go on a date with me just to—"

"I chased you because you stole my friend's bus."

Mels breathing matched the Doctor's, elevated as she shifted her chair close to the Doctor's, so close their legs touched now and the Doctor glanced down. 

"No. That was the initiation, but that wasn't why you kept chasing," Mels smirked now and the Doctor perceived the argument was over. 

"What then?" The Doctor gulped, licking her lips, searching Mels face; its easing tension even more unnerving. 

"So you're not a cop… or a detective," Mels murmured with a raised eyebrow as she brought her face closer to the Doctor's

"No… you're not really a bounty hunter," the Doctor whispered back. 

"So here's our impasse… Smith. Do we need to know anything about each other at all?"

The Doctor's sigh a white flag but she offered one last out. "It's what you do. It's safer to…"

Mels' teeth scraped across her bottom lips as her eyes moved around the Doctor's face. "But we don't like safe, do we?"

"Speaking for me now?" A nervous giggle escaped the Doctor. 

"Well, love, you haven't been the best at words so far." A hand on the Doctor's knee too much. 

"But I can say—"

"Shut up for one moment."

Mels' eyes opened wide, "Pardon—"

"Why do you want to shag me?"

Mels' smile dropped as did her hand. "What?"

"Like why do you specifically think you want to have sex with me?"

"I don’t know… bored, maybe?" Mels huffed out a hard breath but her shoulders fell as the Doctor stared " You’re cute. You're hot. You're funny, I thought it was intentionally so. You look like you'd be a good shag but you seem to want to prove otherwise—"

"Let me kiss you then" The Doctor searched her face and stared at Mels lips. Lips she'd never kissed and yet kissed so many times before.

Mels' eyes narrowed.

The Doctor leaned forward on the table on her elbows and her eyes closed as she sighed, licking her lips. Searching in her mind for better words than her request.

Mels whispered, "Smith, are you—"

"I don’t know I’m lost here," The Doctor clenched her jaw, eyes still shut tight. "This isn’t a problem I can solve… with running or a plan or part of a plan or anything logical so…" 

She opened her eyes with hesitation but they opened wide as warm air caressed across her lips. Mels leaned in on the table as well. The Doctor gulped as she stared in her eyes, cataloguing every thread of colour and whispered, "Let me kiss you or… you kiss me and perhaps my brain can shut up one bloody second and try not to say the stupidest things."

Mels' laugh low and husky and the Doctor's spine lit up to a tingle. "Does that usually work for you?"

The Doctor scrunched her face, her mouth screwing up with her musing on how well this is working. "Sometimes… mixed results, really."

"I’m an idiot for still sitting here,” Mels said, her eyes now steady on the Doctor's lips. 

“Same… but better to be idiots together, eh?" The Doctor let her nerves spill out in a soft chuckle and she lifted her head to lean back.

But Mels lips crashed in The Doctor's soon as her lips half closed. They lingered still as they shared a breath before moving to a mesmerising caress.  _ There it is, _ The Doctor mused. Too late now and the burning in her chest an alarm ringing like a church bell, pounding in her ears. But tongue and teeth found new sensations to share as they deepened the kiss. 

The Doctor dared a hand from her own lap to Mels leg, the smooth fabric of her dress cool under fingers, sensing a fire underneath its cover. Mels smiled into the Doctor's lips and her own hands traced up her arm and to the back of her head, fingers gripping the back of her skull keeping her tight in the kiss, fingers entangling in her hair.

How long their lips explored, the Doctor couldn't say. Her wife's talent in suspending time itself unmatched before and now. The Doctor nearly slipped her hand under the hem of the dress along her thigh out of old habit. A fingertip just under the fabric when she remembered where they were, who they were and what was happening. The Doctor pulled back, just enough to speak. 

"I—"

"You thinking something, Smith?" Mels grinned, eyes hooded, and lips swollen. 

"We're still at the bar so..."

"Yeah… you wanna go somewhere else?"

"I… where… "   
  


Mels licked her lips, her eyes locked on the Doctor's. "I got a hotel room, just down the street."

_ Say no, say let's just talk, snog a bit more. A lot more… oh who are you fooling,  _ The Doctor mused. 

The Doctor gulped down any protest lingering in her mind. "Let's go then… if you want"

"You just keep kissing me like that and I'll want nothing else," Mels whispered and took her lips once again. Mels hand roamed free of her hair now, down her neck and wiggling under the jacket's lapel. A caress down the Doctor's side to her waist elicited a gasp into Mels mouth and a matching shiver as she moved her kiss from the Doctor's lips to her jaw line to her ear. 

"Come on darling," Mels breath warm then cool against the nape of her neck. "I think words aren't always your strength but your lips have other talents I want to explore."

The heat in the Doctor's cheek rose at the suggestion. What to do, at least for one part, she remembered. YOu don't spend 24 years at it and forget so easily.. But to be with her like that... again? Any version of her. As she said, we all need a little poison from time to time. 

She stood, taking Mels hand and tugged her to the door intertwining their fingers. The cool air outside in most cases should break the spell, bring her to senses. But it only made her pull Mels closer, dropping her hand and putting them to her face, tracing her jawline. With a slight grin she kissed her, fully and with no hesitation.

Mels smirked as she pulled back from the kiss. "You know people can see us."

Doctor licked her top lip, " Yeah… but you don't care and neither do I." Could be the alcohol talking. Or was it that same reckless spirit they shared that she missed so much.  _ You can only take care so long and then you have to go and wreck everything, don't you?  _ River said that to them. They'd said it to River. 

Before nerves could find their foothold again, the Doctor wrapped her arms around Mels' waist.

Mels took a deep breath, stepping backwards as she grabbed and intertwined her fingers with the Doctor's. "I hope I was right about you being a good shag."

The Doctor's grin grew as they turned toward the hotel. 

-:-

"Can we just go to the cinema?" Ryan whispered to Yaz. They leaned, backs against the cool brick at the building. He'd worked for the last 30 minutes to get her to just leave it. But she'd found a lead and Graham confirmed the Doctor told him she'd be at this pub. But nothing out of the ordinary and Yaz decided they'd stake out across the street. 

"Yeah? I don't know, just worried about her," Yaz sighed, checking her mobile as a reflex as she moved in front of Ryan, her back to the pub. 

Ryan shifted up from his lean, shoving his hands in his jacket pocket as he shrugged. "She said she's fine… she said she's got it."

Yaz cocked an eyebrow at him. "Does she ever really have anything?"

"Yeah… but then she does, in a way," He huffed. "Yaz… could be nothing at all, maybe she just… you know… needed us out of her business."

"She said it was a mystery, right?"

He shrugged. "But… it could be--"

Yaz shook her head, "This is the Doctor."

Ryan looked up and over Yaz's head and murmured, "Yeah… it is." His hand on her shoulder for a moment to stop her turning. "Wait or she'll see us."

Yaz took two breaths, counted and turned her head, anyway. Her eyes found The Doctor holding hands with a young woman. Not any older than Yaz. Pretty face, braids pulled loose laying against the back of a cool motorcycle jacket, cute yellow dress and boots. A bit of a contrast with the Doctor's green velvet suit, she observed. She noted everything about the woman but she blinked as the Doctor grabbed the woman's face bringing her into a passionate kiss. Yaz watched but for a moment and dropped her gaze to the ground. 

"You're right," she mumbled, an emotion she didn't have a name for yet overwhelming. 

Ryan grinned looking at the Doctor, impressed but as his glance fell to Yaz so did his smile. 

"Hey… you okay?" Ryan put a hand out but Yaz turned her shoulder away shaking her head slow as her eyes shut tight. 

Ryan waited for her and relaxed his stance when she breathed out a sigh. "Yeah… thought we might be needed… that's all," She said as she backed up and pivoted on her heels walking away.

He took one last glance at the Doctor walking the opposite way, arm around the woman's waist. One more reminder how little they understood her. 

"Hey so movie now?" Ryan said as he caught up, bumping his shoulder into Yaz's playfully, but moved away as she flinched. 

"Yeah… something funny… please?" She said in a soft voice, staring at their feet as they picked up pace.

"Anything you want… I'm easy," he said, glancing at her and leaving her to her own thoughts and his in the silence. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to Mouse9 for reminding me this make sense.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor and Mels spend the night together but its a delicate game still.

The Doctor focused on the contrast of the chilled damp air and the heated press of Mel's palm against hers as they strolled. Images of their past and future swilled banging in her skull as the blood rushed, its ocean waves a roar in her ears, drowning out their quiet footsteps. 

Neither said a word. She desperately wanted to hear the thoughts in Mels' head. In theory, they're about shagging a new person and moving on to her next mission. An evening of fun. _But the reality is surely more complicated_ , The Doctor mused.

They reached the door of the hotel, and Mels tugged her onward to the elevator. And when the door closed, Mels pressed her against the back wall, in a sloppy grinning kiss that stole the Doctor's breath. 

The ding of their floor and Mels pulled her out, knocking the air back into her lungs with force. Part of a woozy dream-like gliding to the door, but when it clicked the Doctor's eyes snapped open wide. 

Mels tugged at her hand, but the Doctor's feet planted.

"Hey, darling you ok? If you wanna… not."

"No… I mean!… Yes… I mean not stop—" The Doctor's stammered and sputtered out with shut eyes. 

"Then come in, love."

The Doctor fell forward in her steps into Mels' arms. Strong and warm and so real it ached. 

_But it is real_ , The Doctor reminded herself. Real as this cheap tiny room with gaudy flower wallpaper she kind of liked. Or the mismatched velvet chair their clothes might end up on, dingy even in the low window light. She gulped at the musing. She missed Mels studying her face until she focused, noticing now the soft trailing on her spine. Mels fingers working a spell. 

Mels lifted her hands to the Doctor's face, holding her jaw, forcing a stare eye to eye. With a deep sigh, Mels spoke with a clear, resolute voice.

"I only want this if you want this Smith. It's not anything more than it is… but it is enough I have to make that clear."

A smile came to the Doctor's lips against her will. Let honesty have its place here too, she reminded herself 

"I've never wanted anything else more."

Mels sighed, shaking her head as her fingers let go of the Doctor's jaw. "You keep me on my toes, Smith."

"It's what I do best."

Mels grinned, but it fell and the Doctor sensed her face betrayed her again.

The Doctor shrugged, taking Mels' hands into hers. "It's just… it's been awhile" _or never in this body_ _with that body,_ the Doctor thought. 

"I got you, River I might be a bit drunk but I'm a natural," Mels assured licking her lips. 

Hearing the future name jarring, she kicked herself for making that mistake. _Perhaps don’t make another._ "Maybe we should just, sleep or--?" The Doctor said it in a stammer, but her feet followed without hesitation as Mels pulled her to the bed. 

"What you scared of? Tell me darling maybe I can help " Mels whispered it slow, teasing as she lifted a hand and ran a finger down the Doctor's jaw to her chin.

"All the right things," The Doctor gulped.

"You say the best mental rubbish. Now shut up or you'll make me fall for you" One more stare and breath then Mels grabbed her face, pulling her in deep and fierce. Lost in tongue and teeth, hands seeking skin as something natural fell between them. Familiar and brand new burning the oxygen out of the room as Mels turned her, causing her to sit on the bed's edge as Mels pressed her into the mattress.

Hesitation left the Doctor with the next breath their kisses allowed, pushing Mels' jacket down her arms. New sensations washed over the Doctor's body and she relished the taste of it all. Danger always was her favorite drug, and she realized exactly how high she'd get tonight. 

The Doctor rose up, letting Mels shove her own jacket off, tossing it aside and their shoulders rubbed against each other bare now as they embraced. Enticing of what's to come, but Mel's paused to the Doctor's surprise, their lips separate as she pulled her face back.

"This isn't a good idea."

"I… hmm?" The Doctor's face scrunched up. 

Mels sighed, her eyes closing as a hand slipped under the Doctor's top, replacing silk with silken hands against her ribs, short nails tripping over each one to her breast, a thumb teasing the Doctor to a tiny gasp. 

Mels eyes opened wide then squinted as she bit her lip, the two holding each other gaze."It's weird… you're someone who makes me want to go slow… something sweet and too much like…" 

The Doctor leaned back, pulling Mels on top of her and kissed her before words slithered in to poison the moment. Because they always did, The Doctor thought. They need to speak in another way. Desperate pressing of lips and bodies began again, Mels straddling her leg into a grind that would have produced something more obvious in her past. A moan slipped from the Doctor's lips. Mels grinned into the kiss, her tongue teasing along the doctor's bottom lip. 

"You want to be first, love?"

The Doctor forgot for a moment the mechanics. Millions of other calculations ran, but that one slipped her mind. But she would learn again. What Mels did to her she could repeat, and it reassured a nagging worry that she suspected Mels picked up on. 

"Yes… if you want to," The Doctor whispered, looking up with eyes half closed as she stared into Mels. 

Mels planted her hands on the bed, her lips trailing softly in a caress to the Doctor's ear as she whispered."I get off on it too, darling. Just lie there... I got you for now." 

"Okay" the only word the Doctor could utter. 

Mels leaned back, her legs shifting to help her lift her dress up. The Doctor sat up to aid the process, but Mels hand stopped her at the sternum, and shoved her back on the bed. 

"Just getting more comfortable. You lay back and enjoy the show."

The Doctor's eyes trace every line and curve as Mels arms stretched overhead. No bra as she suspected with the sundress. The Doctor blew out a hard breath.

Mels cocked an eyebrow, slipping a thumb at the edge of tiny yellow lace knickers. "You like what you looking at, darling?"

The Doctor nodded slow. "Probably too much"

Mels chuckled, "You'll have to stop talking like that."

"Like what?"

Mels sighed as the heels of her hand ghost across the Doctor's thigh and up to the zipper and the button of her trousers.

At each caress memories hang like smoke in the Doctor's mind, clouding her sight and choking her lungs. 

Mels licked her lips and answered. "Like this is harder than it has to be." 

The Doctor bit her lower lip. "Then make it easier."

Mels' hand hesitated but with a grin, she worked the button of the trousers and zipper, shifting so she could rid the Doctor of them and her knickers in one move. She tossed them carelessly to the chair and the Doctor's eye cut to watch them land where she predicted earlier. The Doctor's eyes fluttered and closed when Mels put her head between her legs.

The sensations of warmth increased to a fire in her belly, lighting up every nerve. Wholly new from their past, but something so familiar that she'd missed. Time disappeared again as her kisses always found a way to do. The Doctor rewarded Mels with uncontrolled moans and sighs until a shudder with trembling legs did Mels relent.

Mels rested her arms and chin on the Doctor's hips, visibly soaking in the Doctor's flushed form.

Mels grinned. "You want another, darling?"  
  


The Doctor nodded, but sat up pulled her legs out from under Mels who sat up in confusion back on her heels.

"Together this time." The Doctor said it, staring into Melody's eyes while pulling her silk cami over her head. Mels frowned, and the Doctor leaned forward to kiss it away. She hated that frown. It reminded her of every failure, every cross word and every moment lost. But most of all, it reminded her that she couldn't say why her frown struck like lightning to the Doctor's core. She couldn't let her know who she was and Mels couldn't either. Strangers and old lovers in the same embrace. 

The air cooled her lips, and the Doctor opened her eyes with a furrowed brow.

Mels glanced at the door and back at the Doctor, rubbing her hands on her thighs and crossing her arms across her chest before sighing.

"Was afraid this would happen." Mels shook her head as she released a breathy chuckle.

The Doctor matched the chuckle. "I know I can be awkward bu—"

"Love, you know what I’m talking about."

The Doctor sat up, pulling her legs tight to her chest, shaking her head as a silence fell between them. When she spoke again, it was almost as if to herself. 

"I wish I did."

Mels stared at her now with a raised eyebrow. "I thought… you know, that you knew what this is."

"Um I do so—"

"Yeah? Well, what you're saying and… acting like…"

The Doctor ran the words across her mind. _It's a one-night stand._ But had she played her part? She didn't even know how to if she wanted to be honest. Whatever charade she'd miraculously held up, Melody read through it. _But she always did._

In the silence, the Doctor's heartbeat rang in her ears as she searched for words and the empty air it left between them chilled. 

Mels sighed again. "So are you—"

"What's wrong with it just being tonight?" The Doctor blurted out, looking up at Mels with a cautious grin.

Mels shrugged and huffed. "Nothing um, I think that's the point I'm making—"

"No... no please I… give me a moment." The Doctor's voice rose and fell when Mels frowned and drew back and the Doctor reached out, searching for Mels' hand.

Mels resisted for a second but allowed it, and they both gulped as their eyes met. 

The Doctor's lip rose in the corner, a sad smile to match her risked words. "What's wrong with falling for one night? We both know we won't see each other again, correct?"

Mels shrugged, "Yeah I mean probably."

"So why not—"

"Um because exactly that."

"If it's gonna happen Melody, it's gonna happen."

Mels rolled her eyes. "Fate then?"

The Doctor shook her head deliberately, shifting toward Mels on the bed. "No... nothing stupid as that… and I'm not asking for anything so don't let the future in here… in this right now."

Mels bit her lip and the Doctor could read the hesitation in her eyes even as she moved, letting their hands fall to her thigh. 

"I'm not asking for forever… just time for tonight," The Doctor's smile cracked as she said it. The words parallel to Melody's future and the Doctor's past. Front to back once again, and the tears at the edge of the Doctor's eyes gave her away. But she needed to keep talking to find their way back, and she pressed the heel of her free hand in her eyes as she continued.

"Just to feel close to someone — anyone, really. Look... you found a lonely… woman," and her face scrunched up as she grimaced, closing her eyes. "No! ok that’s too honest and not sexy so yeah ignore it... but" The Doctor opened her eyes again to read Mels' reaction. "Still you thought 'hey maybe I'll take that'."

"Well you chased me" Mels said soft and low as her shoulders relaxed.   
  


The Doctor bit her lip, "I did… Yes, I did. Glad I did."

Mels closed her eyes as she dropped her chin to her chest, but she lifted it with a deep sigh and smirk. That smirk the Doctor discerned in even this regeneration. 

"Me too so…"

Mels pulled the Doctor to her. The two women kissed again, lips tender and languid, teasing again with tongues as fingers exploring once again. The Doctor would stay here forever if she could bend time. _Oh, but I can_. But those bends weakened its bonds, and she couldn't chance their future. 

But she'd break just enough rules tonight. The Doctor laid back, pulling Mels into her tight as they embraced, and the kiss intensified. Hands teased every curve to each other and the Doctor's fingers traced their way up Mels' inner thigh to a satisfying sigh as Mels shifted and mirrored her action, laying side by side.

"You know the other is more... intense," Mels spoke, but her voice hitched with the Doctor's touch as their eyes explored the other's faces. 

"Is it? Well, I like this." The Doctor smiled and kissed Mels chin and down to her throat and clavicle and back up, producing a sigh from her future wife. 

"You aren't as docile as I expected," Mels sighed, teasing the Doctor.

The Doctor leaned back and caught Mels eyes with hers. "I like doing the unexpected."

Luck would have it that memory served the Doctor well, and her touch repeated it to a satisfying gasp from Mels.

"Good God… " Mels sighed.

"Hmm?" The Doctor licked her lips, focusing on their changing breathing. 

"I love when I'm right though" Mels whispered out, and the Doctor felt the intensity building for them both.

"About…?"

"Damn if you aren't a good shag after all."

They smiled and kissed, breathing until they both worked the other to unmistakable moans and shudders and embraced, returning to lazy kisses. 

"It's really not even is it…" The Doctor whispered into Mels’ lips.

"Mmm… I'm getting a bit knackered but if you give me a minute…"

The trailing of the Doctor's kisses down her belly to her hips produced a chest filled laugh. 

Mels flipped on her back, "Well if you insist."

The Doctor used old memories of many nights and took her time to discover new points of sensation and reactions, delighting in the eventual deep throated grunt and scream Mels thanked her with. 

Through pants, Mels laughed out loud. An easy laugh. Music to the Doctor's ears and she closed her eyes to commit the memory.

Mels reached out and grabbed the Doctor's arm helping her into an embrace, "Ok I think the booze finally hit me funny enough so let's just lay here a bit."

The Doctor shrugged, "It's not the alcohol but--"

Mels smacked her playfully, " Oi you're good but don't get big-headed."

The Doctor settled her head in the scratchy hotel pillow as she contemplated. "I did make you make some wonderful noises.”

Mels rose a lazy eyebrow and stared with lidded eyes. "Fine… it was a good time, Smith."

Quiet breaths returned between them and Mels closed her eyes as she turned on her back. 

"Talk to me about something silly and boring, Smith," Mels smirked.

"So bus stealing is—"

"Shut it. Not questions. Just talk. There's gotta be something you're a nerd about."

The Doctor watched Mels breathing slow and gulped.

"Stars... I like to star gaze."

"Hmm, all right then. Tell me about the stars, Smith."

The Doctor stepped through the stories of stars in the night sky she knew burned above them. Histories and timelines, spoken soft as Mels' skin still beside her and when the Doctor paused her breath caught in her throat. The glow from the window lit Mels face as it turned in her slumber to the Doctor and froze her in place.

The best course of action can be inaction, she reminded herself, but any choice now seemed doomed. She laid in her bed made and if given her preference would let the world burn around instead of leaving it. 

But the rules of these sorts of nights dictated the path she planned out in her head. Shifting away from Mels' side, with a foot to the edge of the bed to the floor, slow and quiet with the other following with care. Clothes found and tiptoed to an open spot to be slipped on with the smallest rustling and zipped carefully, eyes watching her wife sleep undisturbed. The door handle cold under her fingers as she pushes it down at a glacial pace until the faint click frees it and she repeats the process on the other side. 

_I mean, that is what is expected,_ she thought. It wasn't her room after all. Every step played out in her mind, but she never shifted a centimetre. Instead she stared, imaging herself doing all those things and not moving a muscle at all. Her eyes traced every line of Melody. Her Melody now. She loved her, even this her. Each breath a blessing and she laid a timid arm across Mels stomach to feel them. In her sleep Mels' lip rose in the corner and the Doctor leaned in kissing it gently and laid back down. _Morning will find us and I'll just deal with it then._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *fans self while crying*
> 
> Thanks to Mouse9 for her encouragement.
> 
> Songs that fit the mood are Can We Kiss Forever by Kina, Adriana Proenza and Can't Help Falling in Love by Kina Grannis and Six Feet Under by Billie Eilish


	6. Chapter 6

The Doctor stood at the door to the room, scared to open it.

She recalled one morning sneaking into River's house with pastries. Apple tarts and something with berries. She remembered it like yesterday. The croissants are an addition this time. Yes, she… he… they'd walked right into an Alpha Meson blaster pointed at their chest. River kept it trained on them while she ate the pastries. 

Also, the precariously balanced drinks on top are another risk. So she listened. But not as if Mels wouldn't be quiet, she thought.

She'd slipped the room key from Mels' pocket earlier, and did the same from her own pocket now and with care she placed it on the lock, the click sounding like a bomb at this early hour. 

With half an eye open, she pulled the door open, expecting she needed a rapid explanation for her next move. But Mels only stirred in the bed, eyes still closed.

Confusion. She'd been trained for, well, everything. Right? She should have come up fighting. Or has she caught her in one of those deep sleep cycles? River had them rarely but… either way the Doctor felt blessed and set the box and drinks on the glass ring stained table. The heavy whipped cream cresting at the top of her drink as she brought it to her lips with care. She almost spat it out when Mels spoke.

"So you came back for more?"

The Doctor coughed, "Pardon?"

"You left like all good one-night stands should… and here you are again, louder than sin and with pastries and coffee... at least I hope that's coffee," Mels said with a long cat-like stretch across the bed. The Doctor put it in her hand, silent with her jaw still dropped.

"I knew it was you, in case you were wondering. Saw you slip the key out." Mels' smile rose slowly as she lifted her cup, eyes locked with The Doctor's.

_ Good Ol River, then. _ It hurt her hearts even as they burned with warm admiration. Mels settled into a crossed leg seat, sipping her drink. The Doctor studied her in the morning glow, naked, shadows and highlighted in reverse from the low lamp light last night.  _ I should have run… I'm an idiot. _

"How are you an idiot?"

"What?"  _ Wait, did I say that out loud? No.  _

"You said I'm an idiot."

The Doctor frowned, "Did… did I—"

"God, you're an idiot," Mels grinned, setting a foot off the bed. Mels stepped to the Doctor, pressing her body against her, eliciting an audible gasp from the Doctor. Mels chuckled as she reached around, lifting the lid of the pastry box, and taking one of the cherry pastries. And in another breath, she was back at her seat on the bed. As if it was nothing, the Doctor mused.

"Well I should probably… um" The Doctor licked her lips, noting the shake in her hand setting her drink down so she could fold her arms across her chest. 

"Whatever you need to do, love." Mels said it nonchalantly, mumbling to keep pastry crumbs in her mouth. Her eyes didn't lift to the Doctor, but stayed on her mobile. 

The image stirred something in the Doctor. The door to her side was the sensible choice, but the thought of cherries and sugar kissed away from Mels' lips overwhelmed good sense. Mels looked up just in time to brace herself. Desperate, the word for it; all tongue and teeth nipped at flesh as the Doctor joined her on the bed, kneeling and then pressing Mels' back into the headboard. But the Doctor couldn't care less as her hand traveled down Mels' thigh, finding her target to get a moan she needed to hear one more time. 

Mels spoke first, breathlessly, "Smith—"

"Shh… just… " The Doctor lifted a hand to Mels face, seeking her eyes while the other continued its work. "One more time ok?"

Mels arched her back, adjusting and nodded with closed eyes as the Doctor kissed at her chest and down to her hips, lingering until Mels whimpered.

"God, Smith, don't have all day," she sighed.

The Doctor lifted her head up, "How much do you want it?"   
  


She saw a moment of hesitation flash in Mel's eyes, as if she calculated all the possibilities. The Doctor did as well. Every second one more step into unknown damage to timelines. Equations endlessly running a maze of poor decisions leading to a brilliant mistake. But that's on brand, as Ryan might say to her. The heat of Mels' skin under her palm more tangible than anything she'd touched in years. Worth all the damage. Even that she hid right now.

The Doctor blew a soft breath between Mels' legs, causing a hitched breath that made the Doctor grin.

Mels' lips curled at the corner, "If you want to, how can I refuse?"

The Doctor took her time, savoring every cry of pleasure as she teased. She sensed the ache grow in Mels' and let her have her release after she begged "please" in a tiny breathy sigh.

With it done, the Doctor's lips traveled up Mels' body to one more kiss at Mels' mouth. Lingering and velvety, as last kisses should be.

"You want me to…" Mels started, putting her hand at the Doctor's waistband but the Doctor moved her hand away, shaking her head as she sat back on the bed and turned to put her feet on the floor. 

"No, I think I gotta go."

"Hmm… perhaps I need to get dressed and check out," Mels sighed. "Who knew Sheffield would be so fun?"

"Life's great like that sometimes."

"Miracles do happen, I guess." Mels shrugged. 

Awkwardness settled between them. The Doctor hadn't a clue what to do now. Every desire in her two hearts pleaded with her to never leave this bed until the universe collapsed around them. Every bit of self preservation commanded her to stand and leave without another word. She sat frozen between the two magnetic forces opposing. 

Mels shrugged, grabbing her mobile, “Hey, you got a number? I’ll ring up next time I’m near…”

Doctor watched her put the math together. A few years ahead of her timeline in Leadworth, and the Doctor sensed that sinking fear behind her eyes. That she’d deflect. The Doctor was grateful for it. 

“Or you know, we’ll just find each other, right? You travel and so do I. It's more fun that way. Maybe I’ll come steal your friend's bus when I get bored.” 

The Doctor smiled faintly as she stood on uneasy legs, "Honey, I'm sure we will."  _ You have all that to come. _

With each step, strength returned, and the Doctor glanced at and lifted the pastry box. 

"Leave me a croissant, Smith?" Mels voice is almost sweet, like a tiny plea to keep the Doctor here hidden in the words.

The Doctor turned and smiled. Big, wide and fake as she wrinkled her nose as she set a croissant on the table and moved with haste the door with only a nod. It was wishful thinking, the Doctor thought.

"Hey... Smith."   
  


The Doctor's hand on the door, and she knew not to look at Mels. But her head turned anyway.

"Yeah?" The catch there in her throat and she feared the feeling building behind her eyes.

Mels grinned, her eyes soft. "Thanks. You're cute, and a great shag. You'll make someone a nice wife someday."

The Doctor laughed and bit at the inside of her cheek until she tasted iron. 

"So will you," The Doctor grinned back. 

Mels huffed and chuckled, " Sure… you are an idiot as you said —"

"The best kind of way to be, really," The Doctor shrugged, feeling the edge of her eyes ache. "Take care of yourself, Melody."

"You too, Smith."

With that she opened the door, and closed it softly behind, letting the tears fall as she dragged herself to the elevator alone.

-:-

The day unfairly sunny, The Doctor thought as she walked out the hotel. Streets full as she avoided shoulder shoves as she rounded corners, picking up speed with every step. Every noise increasing in a cacophony of life that snipped at her open wounds. 

The ache was overwhelming, and The Doctor feared she'd lost her way. But there she was. The TARDIS, blue and bold in the sun and calling her home. She'd pop off to some forsaken planet, almost die, and then she'd feel like herself again. The Fam, minus a secret keeping Graham, none the wiser. 

She needed out of these clothes, the heat diffusing Mels perfume into her nose. The velvet and silk palpable memories of Mels' skin against hers. She should toss every piece into a burning star when she gets a chance. But she'd probably hide them away with all the other bits of River's clothes she left. The next regeneration could destroy it all if they wanted. 

Her hand rested on the TARDIS door and she felt the groan as much as she heard it. 

"Old girl… I'm sorry… I—"

More noises and she sighed as she opened the door.

_ Shit. Wait… I said that in my head, right? Shit. _

Yaz, Ryan and Graham turned around, and The Doctor scanned to read each of their faces.

Yaz, a little shocked. Ryan, bemused. Graham…

The Doctor put her head down and jogged up and past them to the console, gripping the edge tight as the room spun. She flipped some knobs, taking a deep breath. "So she let you all in for some reason so—"

"We were concerned… that's all." Graham said and glanced at Ryan and Yaz.

The Doctor opened her mouth, but Yaz moved forward, folding her arms across her chest. 

"Yeah, I mean we'd heard about the bus… thing and he was there and then you disappeared so… we just came here to check… that's all." Yaz began it with a smile, but it fell with each word. 

The Doctor stared at the console, note realizing she'd been rubbing at the ache in her chest. 

Ryan coughed, " I just wanna say it's your business eh? Putting that out there." 

The Doctor's head snapped up, "Yes it is." She realized the bite in her words. 

Ryan shrugged. " You seem… well so no need to explain… at all… yeah I don't think any of us want details… God this awkward, Yaz lets go to the pool, eh?"

Yaz's stare steady at the Doctor and she met it. "Yeah… totally your business and yeah no details please and thank you." She laughed, an awkward sort of exaggerated one. 

Ryan gave a knowing wink and turned to the stairs. With a sigh, Yaz smiled softly and followed Ryan to the stairs.

The room's hum loud once again as Graham stepped to the Doctor's side.

"You look… well?"

"Don't… please."

“Doc, I ain't saying it anything to be ashamed—“

She groaned and put her head in her hands. “No... I know… it’s something you didn't expect, that's all… it all--”

"Yeah well I mean," he snickered, leaning on the console near her. "Not that you ever are."

The Doctor insides squirmed, wanting to run. But a whole unfamiliar feeling of wanting to tell someone, anyone everything. Anything to rid her of the ache under her ribs. 

Graham chuckled, "Here you are always saying you're socially awkward... and you pulled her."

The Doctor shrugged, "She has a type?"

"Must." His face fell as he lowered his voice. "But Doc… be honest with me. This seemed different."

The Doctor eyed him with caution, knowing what door he knocked at. She'd kept the distance about her past from her Fam, both for their benefit and hers. But she knew the day would come where that rule couldn't hold. She sighed, turning her back to the console to lean against it. “Like what?”

Graham’s brow furrowed, and she sensed he searched for the right wording. "Like you couldn't take your eyes off her. Couldn't blink or she'd disappear if you did... Like you knew her — "

"She's my wife." Her breath heaved now. She'd held the air tight unconsciously and her lungs demanded it. 

His eyes widened as his jaw dropped.

"She's… well, not yet… will be and is. It's complicated," she shrugged and huffed. The corners of her mouth attempted a smile, but the edge of her eyes wet and she scrubbed at them with her sleeve, catching a hint of Mels' perfume once more and she fell to a seat on the steps.

Graham stepped slowly and sat beside her. "Doc, I'm sorry"

"What for?" she sniffed as she stared ahead, wiping one more tear away. 

"Come on now. She didn't know who you were —"

Her laugh stopped him. "It's a good thing since she was sent here to kill me."

Graham shook his head, "Well that's a bit of a lovers quarrel."

But he paused and waited. Silent, and she appreciated the moment to breathe. 

"Here's the thing. My past is complicated. I’ve made decisions, for good for the most part, but not everyone saw it that way. They thought the universe was better without me." The Doctor let the truth spill out, old memories flooding of River, then Amy and Rory. Their best friends. What would Amy say to her now, she pondered. 

Graham stared, waiting, and the Doctor took another deep breath. "She was the child of previous companions, my best friends. She was stolen and because she was conceived on the TARDIS in the time vortex, she is part time lord like me.

Graham nodded slowly, "The whole changing bit you did before?"

"Yes and… she was trained and developed from birth for one purpose. To kill me. And she did it one time." She snickered at the memory. 

Graham chuckled with her. "I see you got better."

Her fears real as the dam cracked, leaking memories threatening to burst. But she kept going. 

"Melody Pond, who would become River Song, sacrificed all her regenerations to save me after she broke her training."

"But this Melody I met…"

"Early… oh so early days."

"She's a spitfire, eh? I guess that never changed."   
  


"Oh the most spitfire-y there is," she grinned and sighed. "She's a supernova; a star always in the last stage, blinding bright."

He smiled, "Oh Doc you are in love then."

"Eternally" There it was. The honest truth. It drew tears to her eyes once more.

"Well…" His face shifted to a grin, " Hey, you said early days so you can see her again, right?"

She shrugged one shoulder, biting her lip, "Complicated… not sure why I keep saying that word." The Doctor ran her fingers through her hair, regretting it as they caught and snagged tangles left over from Mels' fingers doing the same.

With a deep breath, she continued. "She and I… we crossed timelines so many times. When I first met her, she'd already gone through it all. She sacrificed herself to make sure I lived one last time."

That memory of an old scar they'd picked over and over, and she winced. Graham lifted his hand and paused. But she didn't flinch as he laid it on her shoulder and gave it a squeeze. 

"I saved her in a way." The Doctor smiled faintly. "She's uploaded to a simulated world in a library... on a planet I can never visit. No one can ever visit."

Graham sighed. "Long tale ain't it?"

"No sure it can be told, it has to be lived." She grinned to herself at the recalled words.

She stood and walked to the screen area near the wall, " Show me River Song"

Images scrolled and paused on her in that green dress. Not the one they'd picked out for her but the one battle worn to threads by the end of its use. One River set aside for 24 years and one she suspected still lay in the depths of the wardrobe room. 

A ragged breath left the Doctor's lung with an ache.  _ This is why you don't look back, remember? _

"She's a stunner, Doc." His eyes steady on The Doctor and she spied the care in them. Somehow it hurt more. 

The Doctor nodded, "God, was she ever."

She went and sat back beside him, smirking. "I stayed on one planet for 24 years for her… to be with her."

Graham shot her an incredulous look. "Pull the other one. You. Still? For more than a half a minute is a miracle." 

A tear appeared, but a happier one, she mused as she wiped it away. "She was a miracle. In many ways, I had no choice; she didn't either... but somehow we always chose each other in the end."

They let silence rest between them for a minute and she appreciated the room to breathe. 

He sighed, "But you did get to see her again… maybe not her as such, but…"

"Yes… it was her."

His face lit up with hope. But she calculated the cause before he spoke.

"Could this... does this mean we might actually see Grace, real Grace sometime?"

Desperation bled in his voice and the Doctor closed her eyes tight. 

She shook her head, slow and then violently "Yes but no… we have to avoid it. Paradoxes are real and the threads of time more delicate than I've let on sometimes—"

"But you mucked around with the timeline-- "

"NO."

She shouted it so loud he shrunk away.

The Doctor shot to her feet and paced around the console before she leaned on it, bracing white knuckled. She hadn't time to even consider all the implications of her foolishness, and now he wanted to join in. 

"I can't predict what could fall apart. I know… I know what you want," she sighed, biting her bottom lip. "I'm selfish about it and have always been. But let me ruin only myself if I can."

Graham stood, shoulders fallen as he glanced at the door and back to the Doctor. "Just one more time—"

"Is dangerous. I'm a right idiot for what just happened yesterday… and today," she pleaded. 

The TARDIS hummed louder, as if in agreement.

"Oh shut up... you miss her too."

Graham sighed and put his hands up. "OK… OK I give up then… but if it just happens…"

The Doctor stared ahead, eyes fixed something beyond them. "We'll cross that bridge when we get there."

Graham sniffed, "Well, might go check on the others. Break out the Speedo for a swim. Might do me good."

His voice falling at the end stung. 

As he walked away, he stopped and turned. "Tell me this though… no matter what happens, was it worth it?"

"I don't know yet —"

"Doc… was it worth it?"

The Doctor knew what he asked. A shared pain. She only managed a half smile before the tears snuck their way back. She sniffed and wiped them away with a nod. 

Graham smiled. "Good. I'll leave you to it then. So we going somewhere?"

The Doctor swallowed the knot in her throat. "Sure… I'll find us somewhere fun… and relaxing."

"Ah… well… I'll go warn the crew then," Graham grimaced, saluted and trotted down the stairs. 

She checked monitors desperately swiping and scrolling data as fast as the TARDIS could provide it. Any hint of loss of their timeline took her breath. But blessedly minimal shifts and everything stood unharmed. 

"She's still got all that to come, Old girl," she laughed as her eyes watered. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it! 
> 
> It could only end one way, right? I'm not one to stray too far from canon.
> 
> But I'm sure another story will come my way sometime. Plot bunnies like to do that. 
> 
> Thanks to Mouse9 for beta

**Author's Note:**

> this one brewed for a long time. Thanks to several friends who supported it.


End file.
